Feeling comfortable in my own skin

I guess one of the most significant areas of growth in the past few months has been the fact that I've been more open and honest about myself. I'm finally beginning to realize who I truly am and who I am not. I'm learning more about what traits and abilities make me unique, my personality quirks (which should not be confused with flaws), as well as a number of personal flaws, their root causes and what can be done (if anything) work on the areas that need improvement.

One area which I've noticed vast improvement already is my communication with acquaintances who aren't really in my inner circle of close friends. I've always had a sort of awkward anxiety towards those I don't know well. Perhaps I've had an unjustified fear of people being mean to me or poking fun at my choice of words or quirky style. I actually sometimes like to talk 'in verse' or make long pauses while I think about the 'perfect' word to say, and sometimes it comes out in one jumbled mess. Another issue that has plagued me is my inability to express feeling or emotion in a way that others can accurately gauge. I've had numerous occasions where people have told me that I sound 'pissed, upset, frustrated, annoyed' when I'm actually quite content or even happy. It's also my natural inclination to avoid eye contact for some odd reason, and I think it revolves around my notion that eye contact symbolizes aggression or dominance. This might be true in the canine world, and I have to get over the idea that most humans function in the same way.

It's been no secret that I've been dedicating a good amount of time lately studying human psychology. It has been a great tool for learning about myself and how to understand others better. Before this, I had very little understanding that most other people functioned on a completely different plane than myself, and I would become very frustrated when I wasn't able to 'push the right buttons'. While I was quite proficient with communicating with those of a similar mindset, I found it near impossible to associate with those who weren't a natural match. As a result, I probably came off as a 'cold, selfish prick' more than once and never had an opportunity to make a better impression later on. This is something that is going to take much more time and maturity to refine, but I feel as though I'm on the right track and I'm finding that some of my social anxieties are becoming less intense.

Another huge problem I think I've had is a lot of confusion over who 'I really am' versus who 'I want to be' versus who 'others perceive me'. I had to include that last part because I've found that most people see me much, much different on the outside and have quite different expectations. In addition, I have often been confused with my natural physical/mental abilities versus my personal interests/inclinations. Questions such as 'Why do I enjoy sports so much when I'm not very gifted physically?' and 'Why do I have such a hard time grasping many abstract concepts when my IQ is in (or very near) the top percentile?' My recent knowledge of MBTI personality typology has enabled me to answer many of these questions, and I am slowly coming to understand who 'I really am' and make decisions that work best for me. I've always had a number of internal battles with myself because my hopes and dreams often contradicted reality in so many different ways. They're finally becoming more in line with each other, and pure honesty has been the catalyst of everything.

I could probably write a great deal about my past anxieties, my lack of confidence, self-esteem, image and so forth. But I'd rather not dwell too much on that. Everything has an explanation and most of these are naturally coming to me without further analysis. The most important part is that I am actually beginning to understand all of this, and therefore it's making me much more comfortable with who I am. There have been several occasions when I had wished I was someone else. Someone with better social skills, athletic ability, chick magnetism, more friends, you name it. I'm learning, and it's working.